Hollywood celebrates twenty-seven years of Tom Cruise's career by re-releasing his entire twenty-five years of block-buster movies as enhanced directors' cuts with Cruise digitally removed from all scenes.

'This represents a new standard in the Cruise legacy' noted his one time imaginary school-friend and expelled Thetan. 'After all, Star Wars bootleg releases removing Jarjar Binks made no difference at all to the plot and gave us the "Save JarJar" campaign.'

However, hospitals are concerned the new releases will reduce standards of hygiene. 'The Cruise Talent Gene, or CTG, has been a key method in reducing post-operative infection', explained Dr. Geller of Friends-Rerun Hospital.

 'Loop tapes of Top Gun in the post-operative ward are cheaper than antibiotics and 93% more deadly to bacteria than the forth series of "House". Without Cruise the effects are lost, although it will no longer be necessary to keep patients sedated to avoid psychological complications.'